The Modern Day SAHM: The Cards I Was Dealt

I have often hesitated writing a blog about the following subject matter. It is not something I am particularly fond of drawing attention to. It is not something that I talk about a whole lot, except perhaps to those close to me. I have decided to make an exception today, for the simple fact that I think I just NEEDED to process, share, and put it out there. Maybe it will help someone, even if that someone is just me...

I grudgingly went to the rheumatologist a couple of weeks ago for a leg pain. I assumed it was just a minor irritation due to an over worked muscle from the recent increase in my exercise regime I had been doing. I was frustrated with the injury because it was causing me a lot of pain, and because it was keeping me from improving on my stamina and strength... holding me back, if you will.

About a week before I finally went to the doctor, I started getting a pretty nasty RA flare. Several of my joints were swelling and pained... including my knees, especially the knee on the leg opposite the one with the injury, presumably because I was having to accommodate for the pain by changing my gate and walk (with a bit of a limp) resulting in an overworked joint.

The doctor examined me, agreed that my "period of drug induced remission" was over, and that the RA had become active again. The x-ray of my leg showed a gnarly muscle tear, and she told me that I would have to rest it for 6 weeks. As for the flare, she was going to continue my course of treatment, and see where we are in two months.

I wish there was a way to explain RA pain to someone. I am going to do my best, but it is hard to accurately put words to it. There are layers to this disease. There is the over all fatigue that is felt when the disease is active. A feeling that can fluctuate through the day. There are points when I feel so drained from simple tasks like taking a shower, that I just want to take a nap. Now, being a stay at home mom of a small toddler, naps are out of the question the majority of the time... but there isn't enough coffee in the world to reverse the exhaustion that type of fatigue can bring.

Then there are the overall body aches. It feels like you are running a high fever, like flu aches. For me, it starts in my shoulders and neck. My husband can often tell when I am hurting, because my "tell" is me massaging my shoulders or rolling my head to stretch my neck muscles. The body aches can get so bad sometimes that I feel like I could get sick.

Then there is the pain in the specific joints that are affected. It feels warm and, for the lack of a better word, kind of squishy when they swell. My knees feel like they are hyper-extended or twisting backwards. My hips ache like they have been hit with a ball-peen hammer. My ankles act like they are sprained. Each joint in my fingers ache like they have been in ice water too long, and I have lost grip strength to the point that I drop and break something almost daily. My wrists are tender to the touch and radiate pain to my elbows that cannot fully extend anymore without locking up.

Some of these symptoms are a daily struggle. Some of them are worse than I described on my really "bad" days. Some are symptoms that I only feel once in a while. Some go away completely when I get the right combination of treatment, rest, diet, and the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars... that is what is called "remission."

I was in remission for the last nearly 12 months, up until a few weeks ago. The last major flare I had had was a week or so after Smaller Child was born. Once that was under control, I had been feeling better than I had in over a decade. I was active, exercising, losing weight, feeling great... then WHAM! There it is again. A giant brick wall, knocking me on my ass again. I cannot begin to express the frustration and disappointment that comes along with your body not doing what you want it to. When it is not a matter of WILL but a matter of CAPABILITY. I had all the desire to continue, to keep pushing, but my body has revolted. So, now, I rest. I recuperate, and I bide my time until I can taste the sweet relief of "remission" again.

This brings me to another layer of the disease. The one I DO have control over. The mental tax it takes on you. It can be so easy to curl up with self-pity. It can be so tempting to grab a blanket and spend my days, shutters closed, in the house wishing things were different. I can tell you though, from experience, this does nothing but make the pain worse. It does nothing but put a magnifying glass on it and make it huge. What we focus on becomes much much bigger... I have learned this the hard way.

Yes, I am disappointed I didn't get to participate in the first 5k I had signed up for. Yes, there were waves of jealousy for my able bodied husband who ran it in my place, and for my friend whom I was suppose to be running by her side. Part of me wanted to stay home and pout, not get in the cold that made my bones hurt that much worse. But, part of me knew that pain would be numbed by the joy I would feel watching them, cheering them on, participating... in life! Granted, I don't want to be a spectator, but I also don't want to miss it all together.

So, the way I see it, I have a choice. I can either curl up with this disease. Let it take me and control me. OR, I can live DESPITE it. It may not be exactly what I expected, or the way I had planned, but what ever is?? I can ACCEPT the cards that are dealt to me for what they are, then make one bitchin' hand out of them! There will be remission in my future, there will be a healed leg, there will be other 5k's, and I will ROCK them! In the meantime, I had a hell of a time watching my loved ones do the same!

The orange shoed handsome beast on the far right is Beautiful Bald Husband. The blur with the red OU cap in front of him is may Gal Pal Gena T! This was the starting line.