Nine Years of Motherhood

I have been writing in a journal for my boys since I was three months pregnant with Larger Child. The first entry was May 8, 2005, on Mother's Day. I have continued to write an entry every Mother's Day, and on their birthdays each year.

My goal of this journal was to give my boys a window in to who their mama really is. I am honest... sometimes maybe too honest... about what is happening in our lives and what is happening in my heart and in my head. Though the goal was a glimpse in to me, the majority of the time the entries read more like a love letter... which in truth, is what it is.

I thought, for Mother's Day this year, I would share with you my entry. I think it is real, I think it is honest, and I think it is an expression of love from one mama to her incredible little men.

May 12, 2014
Yesterday was Mother's Day. My NINETH one to celebrate. Nearly a decade of mother-hood under my belt, and I don't feel any more prepared/knowledgeable/capable than the first.

I am in a strange place right now. I feel like I am crabby most of the time with you, and not giving either one of you the attention/kindness/nurturing you deserve or need. I have been really critical of you (and perhaps myself??) and often times disinterested. And frankly, there are times that I just hate myself for that.

I am noticing how much time, energy, and attention I place on rules. behavior, chores etc. and how little time I spend actually ENJOYING you two and having fun. I know I will regret this, I already do. Hopefully recognizing the defect will help me take the steps to correct it.

It seems like though, despite me, you two are growing to be charming, confident, intelligent little men! It is pretty amazing to see.

Jacob, you are about to finish second grade. You seem to have grown and matured this year more than I care to admit. Your confidence and personality are infectious, and your popularity amongst your classmates just proves that!

Elijah, you are one tough cookie! All boy, through and through. You have the BEST sense of humor, and are so full of life and energy.  You cannot help but charm anyone you come in contact with!

I admire you both so much for your ability to be SO outgoing! I hope and pray that nothing changes that for you. Though, life has a way of trying to take those assets we have as children away from us. I only pray that your dad and I have shown you enough love and safety in your lives that you will always know you can be YOU no matter what.

Thank you both for being my reasons to continue to grow. By your very existence, you challenge me to define my values, learn who I do and who I don't want to be, and continue to strive for better for you, for me, and for our family.

What a gift you are!

I am not perfect, far from it... and you love me anyway.
I make mistakes, and tell you that... and you forgive.
I hope beyond hope that I have and will continue to keep showing you that same unconditional love you have selflessly showered upon me for nearly a decade.

I love you soooo much!
-Mom