One Less Appendage

It's official.  I have a big bad First Grader. Today marks the beginning of the day long school curriculum for Larger Child. Today also marks the end of days with Mama.  I have to be honest, I am having a really mixed bag of emotions here.  There is part of me that remembers the loud, obnoxious, often stinky boy that required nearly constant entertainment that is, quite frankly, THRILLED that Larger Child is starting all day school today.  But, there is this other part of me....

There is this other part of me that feels as though she has lost an appendage. Yes, it was a loud, obnoxious, often stinky appendage, but it was a part of me.  I have spent the majority of my day, nearly every single day, for the past six years with one little boy.  A little boy who has exactly one third of my heart... and he carried it with him to school today.

I don't get to be the one who sees all of the goings on in the day anymore.  I don't get to guide him, and teach him, and see all of his little accomplishments.  I do get to hear about them when he gets home though, but it's not the same.  I know that nearly every single mother on the planet that has school aged children can understand how I am feeling.  I know I am not the only one who, despite all protests to the contrary, balled her eyes out on the way home from dropping him off.  Regardless of my lack of uniqueness on this issue, it is so bittersweet, none the less.

So, now that I have fully expelled the tears, for the moment, I may have the ability to describe to you the events of the morning.

I awoke this morning to the sound of Larger Child on the porch swing outside my bedroom window.  This has been his morning routine since the weather warmed up after winter this year.  When he wakes up, he goes outside and watches the sun come up.  He swings, talks with Olivia the Weirdo, and often, on those really lucky mornings, he sings.  Larger Child has a tendency to sing when he is excited, nervous, scared, or really really happy.  It seems to be a lovely coping mechanism that he has picked up.  This morning was no exception, though I am not entirely sure which emotion he was feeling today.

I went outside to greet him, "Hi there, First Grader!!" He, already fully dressed and ready, greeted me with a giant smile, hug and began to tell me that he was making up songs to go with different parts of his life.  He asked me if I wanted to hear his song for homework time.  OF COURSE I DO!! He started humming a very upbeat happy tune with lots of repeats.  (My mini Bach?)  I was happy to hear that "homework" created positive thoughts in his head, for now anyway.

He came in. I had made him scrambled eggs, toast, and grapes.  He thanked me for his "first day of school breakfast," and proceeded to tell me how excited he was about today! I agreed, and told him how excited I was for him (and a tiny crack in my heart began to form).  He finished his breakfast, and I got myself and Smaller Child up for the day.

When it was nearly time to go, I asked Larger Child if he could please stand next to the wall I am designating to chart our children's growth.  I marked how tall he was on his first day of first grade. (The crack grew...) Then we went outside to take pictures.

He's always going to look like that adorable three year old who clung to me before Mother's Day Out.

Though he does look awfully grown up... (crack...)

I told him to "think of something funny."

I asked him how excited he was!

A few days ago, we discussed whether or not he wanted me to come in with him again this year, and walk him to class for his first day.  He said that since they were going to the playground, he really "didn't need me" to walk him to class.  He would be fine.  (Craaaaack....)  I had kind of hoped that when the reality set in for him he might change his mind.  So, on the two minute drive to school I asked again.  He said, "No Mom, I'm good."  I took a deep breath, and said, "Yeah, I know YOU are."  That is one thing, one thing I can hang on to.  He will have NO TROUBLE making friends, and getting acclimated to his class.  His biggest concern when we got in the car was not missing Mama today, it was whether or not he would have enough time on the playground before school started. (sigh... craaack.)

When we got to the school, I fully expected a line of cars and a wait to drop off.  But, we got right in there, and I had no time left!! I rushed out a prayer with him, asking God to be with him, and help him to have a fun-filled and successful year.  We have had a tradition on the first day, since he started Mother's Day Out that we would draw a smiley face on each other's hand, so if we get sad, or lonely, or scared, we can look at that smile and know the other one is there.  I asked him if maybe we could do that again this year.  I prefaced it with, "I know you are going to be GREAT, but I think I may miss you some today..."  so, he, feeling sorry for Mama, decided to cooperate, despite the big kid safety patrol officer holding the door for him.

This is the smile he drew for me. This use to be a tradition to help make LC feel better,  I think the roles have changed.

Then it was time.  He needed to get out of the car.  There were people waiting behind us.  I didn't want him to go.  I told him I loved him, that I was insanely proud of him, and knew he would be SO AWESOME this year!! I sent him off with a "Have a wonderful day!!" and followed it quickly with a shout out the window, "Waaaaait!!! Hang on a second!" because I needed "one more picture."

I hope he always tolerates my nuttiness.
Though, I am pretty sure I am setting myself up for disappointment on that one.

A moment after this, he caught sight of a friend from last year.  He called his name, chased after him, and he was gone. (Crack, shatter.)  That was it.  I rolled up my window, and started my drive back home.   One less appendage.

About the time I pulled out of the parking lot, I heard a "Bubba! Buuuuhba!" from the backseat.  I looked in my rearview mirror, "Yup, Boo... He's off to school!" Smaller Child smiled, then started calling me instead.