Mother's Day is upon us, and with this comes thoughts on moms, motherhood, their journey, my journey... I was thinking this morning about the concept of "mom," the definition the destination that is motherhood.
I have been a mother for nearly a decade now. This seems so utterly unreal to me. There are times that I still look around for the person in charge. Like a kid lost at a grocery store... searching for the adult, I catch myself in shock (and sometimes horror) realizing that person is now me. With this thought comes the realization that many moons ago, my own mother probably had moments like that herself.
Everyone tells you when you become a parent, and as your children grow, you will have the overwhelming desperation to call your own mom and apologize for pretty much everything you did as a child. This. Is. True. ( Mom, I sincerely do apologize for everything... like, EVERYTHING. I had no idea. I mean, seriously... geeze... thank you for not killing me.)
There is no greater realization of your mother's own humanity until you become a mother yourself. Until this realization, we (or at least I) always thought of Mom as MY mom. That's it. Not a fully formed actualized person with assets, defects, triumphs and mistakes, but the woman who's soul purpose was to raise me, comfort me, nurture me. While there probably is some truth in this, as I see now in my purpose with my children, but there is so much more. She is and was a woman. Someone with wants, needs, desires. Someone who sacrificed so much of who she was and what she needed to be that "mother" for us, walking that tight rope of child's needs and woman's. I get this now. I am the one on the tight rope. Slipping more than I care to admit to one side or the other.
Motherhood is beautiful, intense, scary, surreal. Motherhood can mean clawing, scratching, crying in desperation for understanding... it is also true acceptance and the purest and sweetest form of love. It is understanding yourself in a new way, a clarity and focus as you see your true reflection in your children. It is full of moments of doubt, guilt, fury, exhaustion, but also great moments of strength, softness, pride, and adoration.
This past year has created a sort of laser like focus on my gratitude for my own mom. She is fighting the battle of her life, and she is a warrior. She has shown such wells of strength and bravery that it has continually knocked me down and surprised me. But, why should I be surprised? If I look back, if I see the strength she showed through the years, if I see the strength she taught me, if I see my own strength today, there would be no doubt of its existence then and now. I believe every mother is a warrior, a champion for her children, a tigress in the forest... but a good mother is also that for herself. Learning to maneuver the tightrope. Learning that she is the only one who can give her children a happy mom. There is great strength in this skill.
So, today, as I am reflecting on motherhood, I want to acknowledge the woman in my mother. The beauty and strength she showed. Not in her nurturing and rearing of us, which I hope she knows I will forever be grateful for, but in the nurturing and power she has as a human, the strength she continues to prove in herself. The power of her. I want to tell her how incredible she is, not just as my mom, but as herself.
I love you.
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