The truth is, my Mom has stage three breast cancer.
There it is. Right out there in black and white. You're probably wondering how on earth her illness could have anything to do with me writing or not writing. This blog has been my way of telling my friends and loved ones what is going on in my world. Sharing milestones, adorable photos, entertaining anecdotes, and occasionally waxing a little philosophic or uncovering personal revelations with you. But this, this seemed all too personal, all too difficult to share. Several times I tried. I would set down at the keyboard and stare at the blinking light waiting for my keystrokes.... and nothing... nothing would come out. I had NO CLUE how to express or WHAT to express. I was (and still am) at a loss.
I know nearly everyone has their "cancer story." Some family member, loved one, or personal experience battling with this disease. I get that. I do... I know that most of you have been touched on some level by it. You know the fear, the frustration, the anger, the desperation that I have felt, and sometimes still feel. I know there would be no judgment, only love and support. I know this because it has already happened. There have been SO MANY PEOPLE who have prayed, shared, hugged, sent messages, sent hope, and my heart is full of your love. Truly.
But, the hardest part is the question, "How are YOU doing?"
See, the thing is, I am fine. That's the most frustrating and infuriating part of all of this. Physically, I am doing great. Spiritually, I feel sound. I have faith that everything is going to work out like it should. Mentally, I am doing okay. I check in often, keep up with the news on lab results, chemo schedules, side effects etc. But, see, that's the thing. Here I am, sitting here, 200 miles away, doing fine. While she is there... dealing with, fighting, struggling, enduring. I sometimes wish I wasn't "fine." I sometimes wish I could shoulder it with her. I'd take a chemo treatment for her in a heartbeat. If she could transfer her side effects to me, even for a week, I'd love to take them off her hands. I often wish I lived next door so I could do her laundry, cook her dinner, clean her house, bathe her dog, do her shopping. All of the things she THINKS she can do, but has no business doing. (I am her daughter... we are the same.) But. I. Can't. And it makes me so angry sometimes that I could scream!
Helplessness.
I do what I can. Send her messages, try to lift her spirits. Visit as often as I can. But, still... the helplessness... it's a heavy heavy feeling.
I have to remind myself that she's not alone. Daddy is probably the most attentive, caring, supportive, incredible husband on the planet. He has turned in to her own personal Superman. But, he can't do everything either. He's dealing with his own physical limitations at the moment. As much as he'd love to be Superman, he has to be Clark Kent more often than I'm sure he'd like. And here I am, sitting, being "fine" and unable to do a damn thing.
Yes, unfortunately, I am sure you all have had your share of feeling the "helplessness in the fine." I know I need to let it go, trust God. Remember she is not alone. Remember how very STRONG and BRAVE she is. Because, above anything else, she has proven THAT for sure. You guys... this woman... she is AH-MAZE-ING. What she has went through, what she is going through... and yet, she still smiles, cuts a joke, wants to do for others. It blows my mind. She blows my mind.
So, with that, I have to close my eyes, take a breath, and remember she's "fine" too. Maybe not in the same sense of the word, but in the sense that she is protected and guided by God, just like me, that she is strong, and faithful, and brave, just like me, and she will continue to be fine, just like me... after all she is my mom, we are the same.
You two are both so strong. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDelete