Today marks THIRTEEN years that Beautiful Not So Bald Now Husband and I have been married. THIRTEEN! (Take that, those of you who made wagers on our wedding day... you know who you are.) So, in celebration of this wonderful man enduring me for a baker's dozen of years, I wanted to share with you thirteen things BNSBNH does that I adore, appreciate, and admire. (in no particular order)
1. He is the most incredible dad I know. It seems like even when he's exhausted, he musters up the energy to crawl around on the ground playing trucks, or listen intently to one more story about pokemon or minecraft. He does this gratefully and with a smile on his face. He has more patience with them than I can begin to understand, and more love and attentiveness than seems humanly possible. I watch him parent, and I am reminded to slow down, give them attention, and love like he loves. He is a living example of that saying "children are not a distraction to more important things, they are the most important things."
2. He will never hesitate or think twice about doing any and everything he can to save the day. The best example of this is when our house flooded a few years ago. The water was so deep that he couldn't even drive within a block of our house. He parked and waded/swam to us through poison oak and tick infested water to save us... without batting an eye.
3. He will gratefully and appreciatively eat anything I cook for dinner. He never complains, only compliments. (Except that one time, with the ricotta, lemon, pasta thingy... but that crap was inedible.)
4. When it comes to his family, he is incredibly self-sacrificing. He schedules his entire day around time with his family, making sure to put us first. He gets up BEFORE the crack of dawn to do the things he wants to do for him so it won't take time away from the family later.
5. He doesn't consider a date night a success until he has made me "loud laugh."
6. He doesn't let a day go by without telling me how pretty he thinks I am.
7. He is a lifelong learner. If he finds something that sparks his interest he will jump in to it. He devours new information and looks for more.
8. We have been together for a long long time, but yet we still TALK.... like REAL talks. He will open up to me. I know this is a rarity in men and in long term marriages. But, after all this time, I am still finding out new things about him, and that's pretty incredible.
9. He is incredibly patient and understanding with me. I have challenging days, I have a lot to learn still, and he is so forgiving, loving, and kind. We rarely ever fight anymore. We just have moments where one of the two of us is "off" and the other patiently waits with love for them to get back "on." After the ride we've had, that's a miracle all in itself.
10. He is an amazing provider for our family. He works so very hard for us, and because of that we have the ability to keep our children in my care, and I don't have to work outside of the home. That is such a gift. But, beyond providing monetary stability, he also provides our family with a sense of safety and comfort. We all know without a doubt that he is always thinking of our best interest.
11. He is a great listener. We have learned how to communicate well with each other (most of the time). Because of this, he knows when he needs to listen and when he needs to provide advice or help. It is so nice to have such a willing and capable sounding board.
12. He has an uncanny ability to sense when I need a little extra help. He doesn't push, he just quietly and compassionately takes the weight off.
13. He's my best friend. I know this sounds corny. But, it is so so so true. My very favorite time of day is the hour after the kids go to bed where we can be together. I look forward to Friday night date nights like a kid does Christmas. I just thoroughly and truly ENJOY his company.
For all these things, and so many more, I want to say how much I appreciate this man, and how grateful and lucky I feel to have found him. God truly blessed us. Happy Anniversary BNSBNH!! I love you more than I could ever say. Thank you for sharing your life with me!
-Lobster
An account of the day to day from one stay at home mom who is doing her very best to raise two young boys into two strong men.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Helplessness in the Fine
Okay friends, I know that I haven't been very "present" in the blogosphere lately. Earlier, I posted a blog blaming this absence on the fact that our world is just crazy. Busy, busy, busy. While there may be a tiny bit of truth in that, I gotta say, that probably isn't the REAL reason why I haven't written a blog in two months. TWO MONTHS.
The truth is, my Mom has stage three breast cancer.
There it is. Right out there in black and white. You're probably wondering how on earth her illness could have anything to do with me writing or not writing. This blog has been my way of telling my friends and loved ones what is going on in my world. Sharing milestones, adorable photos, entertaining anecdotes, and occasionally waxing a little philosophic or uncovering personal revelations with you. But this, this seemed all too personal, all too difficult to share. Several times I tried. I would set down at the keyboard and stare at the blinking light waiting for my keystrokes.... and nothing... nothing would come out. I had NO CLUE how to express or WHAT to express. I was (and still am) at a loss.
I know nearly everyone has their "cancer story." Some family member, loved one, or personal experience battling with this disease. I get that. I do... I know that most of you have been touched on some level by it. You know the fear, the frustration, the anger, the desperation that I have felt, and sometimes still feel. I know there would be no judgment, only love and support. I know this because it has already happened. There have been SO MANY PEOPLE who have prayed, shared, hugged, sent messages, sent hope, and my heart is full of your love. Truly.
But, the hardest part is the question, "How are YOU doing?"
See, the thing is, I am fine. That's the most frustrating and infuriating part of all of this. Physically, I am doing great. Spiritually, I feel sound. I have faith that everything is going to work out like it should. Mentally, I am doing okay. I check in often, keep up with the news on lab results, chemo schedules, side effects etc. But, see, that's the thing. Here I am, sitting here, 200 miles away, doing fine. While she is there... dealing with, fighting, struggling, enduring. I sometimes wish I wasn't "fine." I sometimes wish I could shoulder it with her. I'd take a chemo treatment for her in a heartbeat. If she could transfer her side effects to me, even for a week, I'd love to take them off her hands. I often wish I lived next door so I could do her laundry, cook her dinner, clean her house, bathe her dog, do her shopping. All of the things she THINKS she can do, but has no business doing. (I am her daughter... we are the same.) But. I. Can't. And it makes me so angry sometimes that I could scream!
Helplessness.
I do what I can. Send her messages, try to lift her spirits. Visit as often as I can. But, still... the helplessness... it's a heavy heavy feeling.
I have to remind myself that she's not alone. Daddy is probably the most attentive, caring, supportive, incredible husband on the planet. He has turned in to her own personal Superman. But, he can't do everything either. He's dealing with his own physical limitations at the moment. As much as he'd love to be Superman, he has to be Clark Kent more often than I'm sure he'd like. And here I am, sitting, being "fine" and unable to do a damn thing.
Yes, unfortunately, I am sure you all have had your share of feeling the "helplessness in the fine." I know I need to let it go, trust God. Remember she is not alone. Remember how very STRONG and BRAVE she is. Because, above anything else, she has proven THAT for sure. You guys... this woman... she is AH-MAZE-ING. What she has went through, what she is going through... and yet, she still smiles, cuts a joke, wants to do for others. It blows my mind. She blows my mind.
So, with that, I have to close my eyes, take a breath, and remember she's "fine" too. Maybe not in the same sense of the word, but in the sense that she is protected and guided by God, just like me, that she is strong, and faithful, and brave, just like me, and she will continue to be fine, just like me... after all she is my mom, we are the same.
The truth is, my Mom has stage three breast cancer.
There it is. Right out there in black and white. You're probably wondering how on earth her illness could have anything to do with me writing or not writing. This blog has been my way of telling my friends and loved ones what is going on in my world. Sharing milestones, adorable photos, entertaining anecdotes, and occasionally waxing a little philosophic or uncovering personal revelations with you. But this, this seemed all too personal, all too difficult to share. Several times I tried. I would set down at the keyboard and stare at the blinking light waiting for my keystrokes.... and nothing... nothing would come out. I had NO CLUE how to express or WHAT to express. I was (and still am) at a loss.
I know nearly everyone has their "cancer story." Some family member, loved one, or personal experience battling with this disease. I get that. I do... I know that most of you have been touched on some level by it. You know the fear, the frustration, the anger, the desperation that I have felt, and sometimes still feel. I know there would be no judgment, only love and support. I know this because it has already happened. There have been SO MANY PEOPLE who have prayed, shared, hugged, sent messages, sent hope, and my heart is full of your love. Truly.
But, the hardest part is the question, "How are YOU doing?"
See, the thing is, I am fine. That's the most frustrating and infuriating part of all of this. Physically, I am doing great. Spiritually, I feel sound. I have faith that everything is going to work out like it should. Mentally, I am doing okay. I check in often, keep up with the news on lab results, chemo schedules, side effects etc. But, see, that's the thing. Here I am, sitting here, 200 miles away, doing fine. While she is there... dealing with, fighting, struggling, enduring. I sometimes wish I wasn't "fine." I sometimes wish I could shoulder it with her. I'd take a chemo treatment for her in a heartbeat. If she could transfer her side effects to me, even for a week, I'd love to take them off her hands. I often wish I lived next door so I could do her laundry, cook her dinner, clean her house, bathe her dog, do her shopping. All of the things she THINKS she can do, but has no business doing. (I am her daughter... we are the same.) But. I. Can't. And it makes me so angry sometimes that I could scream!
Helplessness.
I do what I can. Send her messages, try to lift her spirits. Visit as often as I can. But, still... the helplessness... it's a heavy heavy feeling.
I have to remind myself that she's not alone. Daddy is probably the most attentive, caring, supportive, incredible husband on the planet. He has turned in to her own personal Superman. But, he can't do everything either. He's dealing with his own physical limitations at the moment. As much as he'd love to be Superman, he has to be Clark Kent more often than I'm sure he'd like. And here I am, sitting, being "fine" and unable to do a damn thing.
Yes, unfortunately, I am sure you all have had your share of feeling the "helplessness in the fine." I know I need to let it go, trust God. Remember she is not alone. Remember how very STRONG and BRAVE she is. Because, above anything else, she has proven THAT for sure. You guys... this woman... she is AH-MAZE-ING. What she has went through, what she is going through... and yet, she still smiles, cuts a joke, wants to do for others. It blows my mind. She blows my mind.
So, with that, I have to close my eyes, take a breath, and remember she's "fine" too. Maybe not in the same sense of the word, but in the sense that she is protected and guided by God, just like me, that she is strong, and faithful, and brave, just like me, and she will continue to be fine, just like me... after all she is my mom, we are the same.
August and September, or Why I Haven't Been Blogging
August and September are gone. However, I am not sure where they went. I blinked, and they were over. Crazy how that works sometimes.... but, I am going to do my best to recap where that blurry flash of time went, and how we spent it.
The beginning of August means the end of summer break, and getting our last hurrah in before the grind of the life academic came rolling back in. We made one more visit to our furry, feathered, and scaled friends at the Zoo, finished up swim lessons, and spent some time learning and exploring with our friend, Gena at the Science museum, and went swimming in her pool.
August also meant back to school shopping, buying backpacks and supplies and, of course... the first day of school.
Larger Child began THIRD GRADE. He is a professional "first day of schooler" now. No problems, no hang-ups. Full of self confidence and excitement, he headed off to his day with a smile on his face and cheer in his heart.
Then, two weeks later, Smaller Child began Mother's Day Out. He had asked me every day since Big Bro started, "Do I get to go to school today??" So, I hoped he would be just as eager and excited when I finally got to answer that question with a resounding, "YES!" The morning came, we got LC off to school, then we came home and I began packing his backpack. He was STOKED! The whole way there he was chatty and full of questions. But, the one that came up the most often was, "Are you going to leave me there?" I was hesitant to answer, concerned by his reaction. I reassured him that I would ALWAYS come back, that he would have so much fun, and I would be there later to pick him back up.
We got to the school, and he took the long walk up the stairs. There was just something so precious and symbolic about his tentative steps. Climbing, insisting to do it on his own, up up up to his new adventure and incredible chapter in his life. It was pretty amazing to watch him. It was one of those moments where I got that teeny bit of reassurance in an otherwise crazy mind plagued with constant and incessant mom guilt, where I watched him take those steps with confidence and excitement and I could honestly say "I think we're doing okay."
Then we got to the classroom, he saw his teacher, found his name on the apple tree, took a seat at the table, and gave me this look... I cannot even describe it. It was the look of reassurance for ME I think. He hugged and kissed me and he was ready for me to go (as long as his trusty BFF doggie pal, Nelson, stayed with him)! And then I did.
I didn't fall apart in the car like I did when I dropped LC off at his first day of Mother's Day Out many moons ago. I just smiled and walked out. I knew this was going to be amazing for him. (and for me too, frankly. ha!) But, above everything else, I knew he was going to do just fine. He is such a strong, independent, incredible little human, sometimes much to my chagrin.
That brings us to September... We got in the swing of our new routines, got use to going to bed early, getting up early, and the rush rush of our days. So, of course, it was time to mix it up a little. LC, who is already a green belt, went back to Taekwondo in September, and for the first time SC went too! Can I just tell you how adorable it is to see a three year old learn how to do sit ups and push ups? It really doesn't get much cuter than that, folks. Bonus, he LOVES it too!
Well, that's the jest of it. Between school, taekwondo, homework, and all the rest of the day to days to keep up with, August and September have been a blur of car rides and chaos. It does seem that things are falling in to a routine now though. (Maybe time for another mix up?? though I think the upcoming holidays will do that for me just fine.) Time to usher in October, fall, pumpkins, costumes, candy, trick or treating... when does this slow down? I'm estimating a good 20 years at least. That's okay, we've got this!
The beginning of August means the end of summer break, and getting our last hurrah in before the grind of the life academic came rolling back in. We made one more visit to our furry, feathered, and scaled friends at the Zoo, finished up swim lessons, and spent some time learning and exploring with our friend, Gena at the Science museum, and went swimming in her pool.
August also meant back to school shopping, buying backpacks and supplies and, of course... the first day of school.
Larger Child began THIRD GRADE. He is a professional "first day of schooler" now. No problems, no hang-ups. Full of self confidence and excitement, he headed off to his day with a smile on his face and cheer in his heart.
Then, two weeks later, Smaller Child began Mother's Day Out. He had asked me every day since Big Bro started, "Do I get to go to school today??" So, I hoped he would be just as eager and excited when I finally got to answer that question with a resounding, "YES!" The morning came, we got LC off to school, then we came home and I began packing his backpack. He was STOKED! The whole way there he was chatty and full of questions. But, the one that came up the most often was, "Are you going to leave me there?" I was hesitant to answer, concerned by his reaction. I reassured him that I would ALWAYS come back, that he would have so much fun, and I would be there later to pick him back up.
We got to the school, and he took the long walk up the stairs. There was just something so precious and symbolic about his tentative steps. Climbing, insisting to do it on his own, up up up to his new adventure and incredible chapter in his life. It was pretty amazing to watch him. It was one of those moments where I got that teeny bit of reassurance in an otherwise crazy mind plagued with constant and incessant mom guilt, where I watched him take those steps with confidence and excitement and I could honestly say "I think we're doing okay."
Then we got to the classroom, he saw his teacher, found his name on the apple tree, took a seat at the table, and gave me this look... I cannot even describe it. It was the look of reassurance for ME I think. He hugged and kissed me and he was ready for me to go (as long as his trusty BFF doggie pal, Nelson, stayed with him)! And then I did.
I didn't fall apart in the car like I did when I dropped LC off at his first day of Mother's Day Out many moons ago. I just smiled and walked out. I knew this was going to be amazing for him. (and for me too, frankly. ha!) But, above everything else, I knew he was going to do just fine. He is such a strong, independent, incredible little human, sometimes much to my chagrin.
That brings us to September... We got in the swing of our new routines, got use to going to bed early, getting up early, and the rush rush of our days. So, of course, it was time to mix it up a little. LC, who is already a green belt, went back to Taekwondo in September, and for the first time SC went too! Can I just tell you how adorable it is to see a three year old learn how to do sit ups and push ups? It really doesn't get much cuter than that, folks. Bonus, he LOVES it too!
Well, that's the jest of it. Between school, taekwondo, homework, and all the rest of the day to days to keep up with, August and September have been a blur of car rides and chaos. It does seem that things are falling in to a routine now though. (Maybe time for another mix up?? though I think the upcoming holidays will do that for me just fine.) Time to usher in October, fall, pumpkins, costumes, candy, trick or treating... when does this slow down? I'm estimating a good 20 years at least. That's okay, we've got this!
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