SIXTEEN REASONS

16. He's the best co-op apocalypse partner.
15. He has the sexiest smile in the world... THE WORLD!
14. We balance each other, on nearly everything. The yin to my yang.
13. He is by far, everything I could ask for in a partner in parenthood.
12. He gives me his best, even when I am at my worst.
11. He makes me want to be a better person.
10. He still makes me feel beautiful and sexy, EVERY day, even recovering in a hospital.
9. He has been there every second of the way, to support me, lift me, help me, through the hardest year of my life.
8. He is the very best role model for our boys.
7. He can, and still does, make me loud laugh.
6. He would walk through flood or fire to get to us if we needed him, and has.
5. Guys, that tushy of his... I'm sorry, but damn.
4. In sixteen years, we have always grown together, never apart.
3. He has consistently shown me the light, every time I am in the dark.
2. He reminds me that no matter the hardship, the celebration, the surprise, the fear, the sorrow, the joy, I am never alone. We are in this together.
1. He is and always will be, MY LOBSTER.

Happy SIXTEEN Anniversary, Kevin! What a freakin' hilarious, incredible, fun, wild, scary, amazing ride it has been growing up with you! I am so grateful for EVERY second of it. (Yes, every one.) They have all brought us here... and HERE is amazing! Here's to the next sixteen. We *might* be done growing up, but now we get the honor of growing old together. What a blessing!
I LOVE YOU!!

Happy Birthday Nelson

There is a boy.

That boy has a friend. 

That friend is grey and blue, has floppy ears, and "the softest tail in the whole wide world."

That boy has taken his friend to his first day of school, to doctors appointments, to the emergency room, to the grocery store, to his grandmothers' houses, on vacations, in cars, and most importantly...

that grey and blue and floppy eared friend with the softest tail in the whole wide world has been held in this boys arms every night while they slept. That boy's fingers stroking that tail all night long. 

That friend's name is Nelson. Nelson is a stuffed puppy dog.

Yesterday, "October two-th" was Nelson's birthday. 

And, just like we did the year before, we make a cake, lit a candle, and sang to Nelson to celebrate his birthday.

Yes, that cake is in the shape of an "N." And yes, that is the cutest boy on the planet!

So, here's to all of our "friends" from all of our childhoods. Some forgotten, some in keepsake boxes in attics, some donated, some lost forever, some still in the arms of their friends while they sleep, even at 35 years old. May we all remember the safety and love they brought us. May we all take a moment to celebrate the simple joy they symbolize.

Happy Birthday, Nelson. May you always have the softest tail in the whole wide world.

Wonder Woman Had a Panic Attack

I had a panic attack today...

and on social media I am posting pictures about dogs.

There is a disconnect here. A disconnect that I even commented on via text with my husband. My husband always sees the real me. Not the me I put on, like a mask or a party dress, when I am in the "real world," or post on social media. He sees the tears, the fury, the frustration, the self pity. He also sees the musical numbers, the silly voices, and the corny jokes. He sees it all. From Beauty to the Beast, they are all there, the whole spectrum, all a part of me, what makes Jenny, Jenny.

So, why the disconnect?

Ego? Probably.

So, here I am, telling the truth about my day now. Calling myself out on my bullsh*t. Taking off the mask and the party dress...

I had a panic attack today.

This morning, I had my first physical therapy appointment. This is something I have been putting off for three months. I told myself (the lies of) I have the kids home for the summer, when am I going to find time? I am already hurting so much, why would I want to hurt more? All excuses. I heard once, from a very wise mentor, "The moment you begin to use excuses is the exact moment you begin to lie to yourself." I believe that is the truth. Excuses are just as much of a lie as the glossed over, perfect image I found myself perpetuating on social media.

So, today, I threw away the excuses and went to my first PT appointment.

Nothing particularly exciting happened. Some stretches, a tour, mostly evaluation. Then it was over. My physical therapist, Meg, ushered me over to the scheduling desk, and I got out my calendar to schedule the next couple of weeks. My orders are for six weeks, three times a week, to include aqua therapy and massage, then another evaluation. Fine. It wasn't particularly pleasant, but not unpleasant. It just kinda was.

As the day progressed, and I finished the rest of my to dos (including my first mammogram... unpleasant) I noticed my back was pretty sore. It was driving home that it happened.

I started thinking about my back pain, and how it was worse today than it was yesterday.
I started thinking about how difficult it was going to be to fit in three PTs a week for the foreseeable future.
I started wondering how I was going to keep up with that, and still do all my other day to days.
I started wondering if I was going to be able to keep up with my day to days, and still keep up with the rest of my responsibilities.
All the while, my phone is making constant noise with texts, emails, and notifications for my volunteer work.

My breathing became shallow.
My face got hot.
My chest felt tight.
My hands started to sweat.
I was fighting back tears.

I had a panic attack today.

When I got home, I set in the car in the garage and cried. I texted my husband who sees all Jennys (or would it be Jennies?). I saw myself apologizing for my weakness. He of course stopped me in my tracks and told me basically never to apologize for that again. He validated my feelings, helped me to see that it is perfectly reasonable to feel overwhelmed. He told me how much he loved me, and how he wished he could take some of this for me. He's good like that. I am so grateful for him.

That's when it hit me, just how hard on myself I am. Yes, I was overwhelmed with the scheduling, the situation as a whole. But, if I am being real, it is also the realization that with this comes the very real possibility that something is going to give, one of the plates that I am perpetually spinning, might just... gasp... fall.

I cannot keep trying to be Wonder Woman. That position is already filled. I can only be Jenny. I can only stay in today. I can only do what is in front of me. That's it. Sometimes, I will fail. Sometimes, I will fall. Sometimes I will not be able to handle it all. Sometimes I will be scared, or weak, or stressed, or angry... and that is okay.

So, here I am... getting honest. I am throwing away my excuses. In trying to process what happened today, I am also trying to let go. Granted, I will probably keep sending my resume to fill the role of Wonder Woman, but maybe, MAYBE I will be able to be okay with Jenny too... or better yet, maybe someday I will also be okay with YOU seeing more than the Jenny I put out for social media. Not just sparkly, happy, together Jenny, but the Jenny who's crying in her car, or forgets that deadline, or serves leftovers for dinner (again), or hasn't vacuumed in a month. Maybe we can all let go of our manufactured "Social Media Selves." Maybe THAT can be the real Wonder Woman? Maybe in getting real we can see we are not alone. We can see that we all lose it, cry, get scared, have weakness... and when we show this, and see it in each other, that can be what gives us strength to be our real superhero selves. Yeah, I like that.

Well, world... Wonder Woman had a panic attack.
She cried.
She was scared.
She was weak.
And in that weakness, she found strength.

Birthday Vacay for SC

We "as a family" (mostly Awesome Hubs and I), decided that at least every couple of years, in lieu of spending a billion dollars and hours and hours of my time planning, prepping, and executing a party that will be over in a little more than two hours, and buying the latest-greatest-loudest-brightest toy that we will inevitably donate to Salvation Army the next time we clean out the bedrooms, we would take a mini vacation with the family for our kiddos' birthdays. A "birthday vacay" if you will. We are trying to make memories not stuff. We are attempting to give experiences instead of things.

The first to try this little experiment, was our Smaller Child. SC has his big cumpleanos numero seis on the seventh of July, so we planned a road trip to the Arbuckles and surrounding areas.

We spent the day running last minute errands, packing bags, and getting instructions ready for our pet sitter (Nana). After everything was ready, we still had about two hours to wait until Awesome Hubs (AH) came home, which coincidentally, in case you were unaware, was enough time for Smaller Child (SC) to ask "when are we leaving" or "is Daddy on his way home yet" exactly 6,532 times.

Waiting "patiently" for AH's arrival.

Once, we were finally in the car, we pulled out of the driveway, got about four houses down the street, and I realized I forgot to throw our bag chairs in the trunk, so we turned around and came home. (Incidentally, we only used them once... for about 5 minutes.) Back on the road, I glanced down at our hotel reservation to program it into the GPS, and realized that I had booked it a month later than we had planned!! We pulled back over, stopped the car, and I frantically called the nice people at the Hampton Inn in Ardmore, OK. They told me that they did in fact still have rooms available, and they could just change our reservation! Huzzah! Back on the road... A nice, less than two hour, drive resulted in minimum fights, but somehow managed to produce so much volume out of two boys. Like, unreal, hard to explain, nearly impossible to fathom, levels of noise.... but, we eventually made it to our hotel, and only had to change rooms once before we finally got to unpack.

SC and LC in the hotel.

After one, semi restless night, we woke up bright and early.  The boys headed downstairs for breakfast, and I got myself ready and our family packed for Day-One-O-Fun. We loaded the ice chest, packed our bathing suits, our lunches, sunscreen, and our unused but heaven forbid we leave them bag chairs, and went to explore. First stop, WAL MART! Wait... what? Yeah, it was raining, so we went in search of ponchos. By the time we found them, bought them, and made it to our first REAL stop, the rain had stopped all together. But, we had them "just in case" (kinda like those bag chairs).

Second stop, Tucker Tower on the edge of Lake Murray.

I have to mention, I had stupidly told the boys that morning that I heard as a kid, through my parents who tell stories, and from Girl Scouts, that Tucker Tower was haunted. So, it has always been a hard and fast truth in my life. Tucker Tower = Ghosties. I didn't even think before I said it... so, it took some serious convincing that Mom was full of bologna, and I was just "being silly" to convince SC to go. (Larger Child was totes excited! AH had the look of a grown man who was trying to convince himself that ghosts weren't real.) After a "small" hike up seven million rickety crooked wet stairs, we made it to the tower, and six gazllion more stairs up a winding staircase brought us to the top. (SUPER FUN for a lady with RA knees and back trouble.) But, it was worth it!

Tucker Tower

"Imma climb this rock." -SC

Flammy Selfie complete with Duck Face

AH did NOT want me taking this, but can you blame me... I mean right ladies?

My Boys

After our encounter with the (totally not real) ghosts of Tucker Tower, we drove to Sulphur, OK to the Chickasaw National Park. We made a stop at the Travertine Nature Center, and asked the Park Ranger where the best place to picnic would be, grabbed a park map, and headed out. We had an amazing PBJ lunch.

After our picnic, we started to look around for the least populated area to explore the springs. We quickly realized that all the spots marked on the map were overrun with park goers, and decided that we McQueens make our own spots! We found the perfect location, and spent the next several hours (after an awkward bathing suit change in the car) splashing around the beautiful cool waters of the springs.

There was a moment when I was sitting on a rock, my feet dangling in the water, where I was watching my three men play that I found myself just overcome with gratitude for it all. My family, our joy together, the beauty of our surroundings... then I got slapped in the back with SC's freeeeezing cold hands, and I snapped out of it! My gratitude was quickly replaced with pure hilarity though when LC decided it would be a good idea to totally submerge himself under a small waterfall. It was just too good.

After a while, we decided to at least let the kiddos see "Little Niagara." So, we took a walk, then a drive to the park goer hot spot to check it out. It lasted about five minutes before we were totally sick of the crowds and went back for a few more minutes to our quiet spot.

Since it was close to dinner time, we figured we should probably start heading home. A quick stop at the Nature Center to change out of our wet bathing suits, and we headed off to find some grub.

We stopped at La Taqueria in Ardmore for dinner and ate about 4 baskets of chips before our food even came. After dinner, we had sopapillias covered in chocolate, sprinkles, and whipped cream. Totally stuffed, and exhausted from the day, we went back to the hotel to shower, and get to bed.

Day two of our adventure started off similar to day one. We all went down for breakfast, then came back up to dress and pack up for the day's adventures. Our first stop this time was to a zip line over Turner Falls. There isn't much I can say about this beyond it was amazing... because, well, it was.

this is AH and SC

After the zip line, we thought we'd try to get in to Turner Falls to swim a bit. But, apparently they weren't kidding about it being "peak season." We spent 30 bucks to get in, we drove for about ten minutes just looking for a parking spot, but it was just a sea of cars and people, and people in cars. I have never seen anything like it, and I have been to both Disney parks. Needless to say, we didn't stay. So... off to stop number three.

I don't know how many of you have ever been to the next stop. But, it is one of those kinds of places where you just can't really describe to someone with any sort of precision. It is more of a feeling you get. I mean, telling someone, "So, okay... you pay a whole bunch of money to get a big ol bag of food pellets. Then, you drive your car over cattle grates and up big windy gravel paths. Then all of a sudden, the path is totally blocked with herds of donkeys! An ostrich starts pecking at your window, and giant llamas start closing in. But, here's the kicker, you're suppose to open your car windows and feed these things out of the Pepsi cups they give you. Yeah, I mean sometimes they try to bite you or your cup... and yeah, your car gets covered in poop and dirt. Half the time your kids are screaming, the other half you are... but guys... seriously... it is SO MUCH FUN!" it doesn't really do justice to the experience. So, I suggest, the next time you are driving down I-35, and have some time to kill, make a stop at Arbuckle Wilderness, you won't be sorry. Here are the highlights.

Note: Look how high up my window is rolled. Those critters are pushy.

This jerk tried to steal my whole cup of food with those chompers.

Super sweet alpaca. He even let us pet him.

SC calling over some alpacas.

We reached the donkey gang. The one on the left is their leader. 

One of my favorite pictures of all time.

look at all the turtles!! there's even a few snappers in there.

Can anyone say PROFILE PICTURE??

Little warning on the video... there may be cursing about camels.

After we all laughed so hard we nearly peed our pants, we went through the "walk through zoo" attached to the park. (It is basically an abandoned amusement park. Complete with creepy dark buildings, still open to the public, that they call their "snake house." A pond with more catfish, turtles, and perch than I have ever seen, non operating bumper cars and go carts, and a few forgotten animals in cages.) AH and I jokingly talked about putting an offer in to buy the place. It was sad seeing it all falling apart. Could you imagine? McQueen Zoo? (Secretly I can totally imagine it!!)

Leaving Arbuckle Wilderness, we had to stop across the street for the Famous Arbuckle Fried Pies!

Then we then were off, back to Lake Murray for an afternoon swim. Murray is a pretty clear (comparatively speaking) lake with a sandy bottom, making it perfect for swimming with the littles. It took a little coaxing, especially after seeing the pond at Arbuckle Wilderness with some of the biggest snapping turtles I have ever seen, to get SC in water any deeper than his knees. But, once we did, we all had a ball!

Look!! The bag chair is in use!!

We dried off, and headed back to the hotel for showers. Then, it was time for dinner. We went up the road to Two Frogs, a place we have always seen, but never stopped at. We were not disappointed! It was delicious!

By the time we got back to the hotel for the night, we were all pretty exhausted. AH and I needed a mini break from the kiddos, and I think the kiddos needed a mini break from us. They played on their bed, and Awesome Hubs and I plugged in ear buds and watched a Louis CK stand up special. We all crashed hard and slept in.

The last day, we had breakfast, and took a swim in the hotel pool. We had it all to ourselves. After about five minutes, AH and I got out, and let the littles enjoy. (There is something about being a child in water that prevents them from feeling just how miserably cold it is. They are immune.)

A pretty phenomenal belly flop!

We got back to the room, got dressed, packed up, and headed home. We were exhausted, which means we did it right! It was an awesome little trip, and I'm really hoping it was better than a bad cake and a party hat at some gross arcade. Here's to making memories! Here's to camel spit! Here's to lake water, tower ghosties, and mini waterfalls! Here's to Smaller Child as he turns six years old!